


Forget We Don’t Get On

by mandlien (cacau1005)



Series: DirkJake Week 2k20 Fics [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Can't think of more tags, Do not repost, Don't copy to another site, Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, Melancholy, POV Jake English, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Pre-Epilogue, The Homestuck Epilogues, and avoiding doing hard stuff he needs to do, meanwhile dirk just drowns in the ocean of personalities in his head i guess, this is basically jake remembering the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-25 00:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22326883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cacau1005/pseuds/mandlien
Summary: Most of the time, Jake doesn’t reflect much on how things came to this point. There’s a certain kind of risk to thinking about anything remotely personal these days. You simply never know who might be listening.But on the nights where Dirk sleeps deeply, his reach is small, and Jake’s thoughts grow melancholic.Prompt 6: Earth-C
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Series: DirkJake Week 2k20 Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1600072
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Forget We Don’t Get On

**Author's Note:**

> Fed up with the fantasies that cover what is wrong  
> Come on, baby, let's just get drunk, forget we don't get on  
> (...)  
> I never sang for love, I never had a heart to mend  
> Because before the start began, I always saw the end  
> Yeah, I wait for you to open up, to give yourself to me  
> But nothing's ever gonna give, I'll never set you free  
> Yeah, I'll never set you free  
> Starring Roles, Marina

Jake swallows as he looks down at his paramour.

His back makes a jagged shadow on Jake’s bed under the moonlight. He’s curled tight in a little ball, like he can protect his insides if he just hides deep enough within himself.

In the beginning of their ill-advised trysts, Jake had admired the way Dirk’s features relaxed when he slept, even if he had felt a little bothered about the strictly physical nature of their relationship. Back then, when Dirk first appeared in his doorstep in the middle of the night, like a ghost from the past, Jake had jumped at the chance to have sex with the guy. Well, not exactly. He froze, but only for a second, really, before yielding to the guy’s passion, because Jake English could never resist when someone genuinely wanted him. Or maybe, he thinks, reflecting on brief past flings and the usually complicated mess between him and Jane, maybe he just found it difficult to resist Dirk Strider wanting him that way, like he hasn’t in years.

Dirk ended things with him back when he was young, still in a drugged-out state. He could hardly remember it in truth, since thinking of those sugar-coated memories always left him feeling a little ill. And when they finally managed to talk again, for what felt like the first time in a long while, he had explained how he didn’t want to lose Jake’s friendship, and all sorts of baloney of how sorry he was for the things he did (like their relationship failing hadn’t been Jake’s fault!). And Jake, well, he accepted the hint. Friendship it would be.

Not like it was a bad place for their broship to be at, at all!! Dirk was his best bro, and always would be. And maybe, maybe this was just another proof that his love for Dirk had never been real, after all. Dirk had doubted his enthusiasm for their relationship the entire time they were dating, and he was so much smarter than Jake. Surely, he would know, if Jake loved him or not.

Back then, at least.

Jake grips his knees and curls a little around himself too. Unlike Dirk, Jake usually sleeps wide open on the bed, with his limbs all over the place. He remembers the last sleepover he had with Roxy, Jane and Dirk, back in the halcyon days, and the way they complained about him taking all the space in the bed. He’s never been the most graceful sleeper.

He isn’t asleep now. He’s mostly seated on the edge of his side of the bed, with Dirk on the other side. He sleeps heavily, which Jake knows to be really unlike him, but something that grows more and more common as the days pass by, at least after they their routine enthusiastic round of sex.

Jake only feels honest when Dirk sleeps, less like he must keep his own thoughts in check, hidden inside an ill fitted mannequin.

That metaphor may have been a little bad, maybe! But nights like these… it makes him think of things he usually tries to ignore. Feelings of unhappiness, discontent. Life on Earth C should be their happily ever after, but Jake never felt more ill suited to a place before.

Well. Not that he has been to that many places.

One of the few qualities Jake arguably has (if it can be considered a quality, anyway), is his ability to ignore some of his own thoughts and just, stuff then down somewhere they can’t reach him anymore. Self-denial, some would say. Jake prefers to think of it more like self-discipline, like he is one of those ninja characters from the stuff Dirk likes so much.

It’s especially important to maintain it when you know that your best bro is paying close attention to your thoughts.

Dirk’s powers never reach far, when he sleeps. That was the thing about gaining the power of influencing people’s heads, using it as much as Dirk was starting to, and still being stuck in a human-ish body: Dirk, for all that he is trying to change that, is still human enough that exhaustion affects him, especially after being forcibly relaxed by an amazing night of sex. Jake also imagines it must be hard, to focus on more than one personal narrative at once. People were complicated things, all of them with little brain ghosts of their own. And Dirk has never been particularly good at holding many irons in the fire at the same time, even if he hates acknowledging that.

A.R. had been rather good at that, but he also hadn’t been human. Jake wonders how long it will take, for Dirk to reach that point himself.

His slow reach for insanity makes Jake question himself a lot. Should he do something? But how? Sometimes, Dirk didn’t fully feel like himself anymore. Jake wasn’t good with such things, and he knows he has no other friend who would appreciate the warning from someone like him.

The right words always escape him when he recognizes a good time to talk, which is especially terrible when confronted with people like Jane and Dirk, good with words as they are. Jake feels much more relaxed dealing with Roxy, in that regard, but she cares so much for the guy, and she is so happy with Callie... Jake doesn’t want to disturb her, somehow. And would she even believe him anyway?

And Callie… for all his daydreams, back in his old home, about being their friend for real, they had stuck closely to Roxy’s side and never left. They had hardly tried to spend much of their time with the rest of them.

Jade is a dear, but she doesn’t know Dirk that well, and she has been travelling for a long time now. Jake tries not to cringe when he remembers how long it’s been since they last talked. To call her up now, just to resolve one of his problems, would be the definition of self-interest, only paying attention to her when she can benefit him somehow.

The others… No question about it. None of them are close to Jake, or even like him.

Jake sighed, and looks out the window, seeing the horizon lit by stars, still strange and foreign after all these years. Looks at Dirk, now also foreign, with his features still harsh from before he went to sleep, his back curled more like a tiger waiting to spring than the smooth curled tail of a hoofbeast that he had always reminded Jake of when he slept.

The thing that hurts the most, maybe, is the way Dirk becomes more and more dishonest as the time goes by. More specifically, dishonest towards _Jake._ His actions and words are still kind, still those of his dearest bro. But something is disingenuous about it. Jake can’t quite hear the whispers in his head, but he can feel them, negative and dripping something oily and thick, suffocating him from the inside out.

Back then, when they were dating for real, two stupid sixteen year olds, Jake had worried Dirk liking him was a lie. At some point in their adventure, Jake became rather forcibly aware of the fact that everything he thought was true and honest about himself was a total lie that he had fabricated and maintained over the years. In truth, Jake as he was simply didn’t measure up to his friends, didn’t compare. Did his friends fall for that lie, like he himself did? Did they love the lie more than Jake himself? And who even was Jake English?

Could he live honestly, when he had managed to survive his whole life by shuffling the masks around, to the point he didn’t even know who he was anymore?

As they reached Earth C, for a brief time he was happy. Jake remembers, with a pang in his heart, playing soccer for the first time, and working together in their old workshop, and exchanging flower crowns. Fighting a stupid Hulk-Caliborn inspired fighting robot together. Sure, they had been just friends while doing all that, but all of it had been so… perfect. And Jake never felt more honest, with himself and others.

He doesn’t know what changed. How he changed, to make Dirk so different. It seems, these days, that the only thing Dirk really likes about him is his body.

Jake wonders if that’s why he hasn’t seen Brain Ghost Dirk in so many years. Maybe, Dirk finally decided Jake wasn’t a person worthy of holding on to that tiny splinter of his heart he gave away, when he was still young and ignorant of Jake’s true nature.

He groans and stands up slowly, determined to not think about it anymore. These nights always left him disconnected, disjointed, and mostly, melancholic. A drink would help with that, surely. For a while, a drink would make him forget, at least.

One day, he would talk to someone about Dirk’s… problem, for sure. One day.

* * *

**Jake, at some point probably:** what if Dirk reads my mind and discovers how much I like him??? I must hide it forever.

 **Jake, later, in one of their regular fights:** Howdy, my totally platonic no homo best bro!

-

 **Dirk:** I want all the sex in the world ok, my totally platonic bro

 **Jake:** platonic bro??? hum, okay my… platonic best bro…

-

**Dirk, slowly going bad and transphobic from assimilating too many bad versions of himself instead of, you know, the good dirks that support their friends, the dirks that are trans, etc.**

**Jake:** maybe?? I should?? Tell??? Someone???

 **Jake:** or maybe… I could just have a drink… and not worry about it for now… ignore the bad feeling, no one wants to feel bad… not like my opinion matters that much in these parts anyway….

**Author's Note:**

> yooo, goodnight, everyone.  
> I hope everyone enjoyed this little piece. I was just thinking about Jake's avoidance tendencies, and how he told Jane Dirk had simply gone insane back in the Candy Route. The awareness of Dirk's powers was inspired by one of Opacifica's fics, the "A Palate Cleanser" one. Seriously, go read everyone of their fics, they are a great author! One of my favorite Jake interpretation out there.  
> Time for shameless plug! I have a tumblr if you want to talk, just search mandlien and tumblr on google and you'll find me, probably.  
> Also, go check out my other HS fic:  
> See You By My Side  
> Summary: It's been three weeks since Dirk last talked with Jake, back in that platform as they witnessed the birth of a universe. After pressure from friends, they decide to have a talk about what went wrong. Honestly, this time.  
> Anyway, comment and tell me what you liked about this story! I hope you liked it, anyway :B.


End file.
